Today (as in Saturday, when I was writing this) was supposed to be the end of the world. I awaited the moment to look up into the sky, and see a scene somewhat similar to this (please forgive the choppiness. I am not sure how to fix it):
However, the day has started, and nothing. No rapture. No Jesus. No nothing. It is, therefore, not the end of the world (and for those of you who want to see my sociology skills put to use, that is an invalid argument because I denied the antecedent (I think, who cares, sociology, as I have heretofore argued, is worthless in my current view) and so you should call me out on it or something). That's ok. I have a few more things I would like to do before the world ends, and I appreciate the extra time that I have. Though, it did seem like the end of the world for a minute when I discovered that I had missed my DS-73 final. However, the lack of the above scene occurring reassured me that all was ok. Plus, it wasn't even the right day, ha!
As an aside. I'm sitting here trying to remember something that happened today that I was going to include in my tender mercies of the day section, and it is driving me bonkers that I cannot remember. How sad is that... I'm quite frustrated with myself at the moment. I sure hope that it comes back to me, because I really was excited to have that.
I have felt pretty down all day today. I don't fully understand this depression thing, but I know that it is as frustrating as trying to pet a unicorn. Some days I feel like me, and other days I feel like I've turned into this melancholy machine that cannot reprogram itself. It's frustrating. Probably because I hate to lose, or to be wrong- it's how I was built. I hate losing to this superficial function that I cannot understand. It's been pretty bad all day.
The best part of today though was the group date that we had tonight. We got 3 couples together, and went "disco bowling", it really was quite the adventure, and I had a lot of fun. Poor Bria has to get up super early tomorrow, and we kept her out too late, but nonetheless it was super fun.
Bria gets a strike, and then rubs it in my face every time too- I have to admit that I love the fiery response to her success. It's attractive :)
That's Angely and Bria. We'll get to Angely later.. *duh duh duh*
Look at that great form. And yes, that was a strike ball, and yes, it had some very nice hook on it, however, my massive figure is blocking the ball from your view. You'll have to take my word on it.
Here is Kim. She should have played softball, and been a pitcher. This ball goes flying on her release- and yes, this was her starting point, and yes, she chucks that thing faster than a speeding bullet. Superman would have lost in a competition with this ball, I promise you that.
Then we resulted in playing the dice game. Pictures didn't come out very clear because of the disco lighting, but all the same, here is the best I can do to demonstrate the pain that came with rolling a one ;)
Anyways, that was nuts. Tons of fun though. Angely, John, Bria, and Myself all went to Denny's after. We played Egyptian Rat Screw until we got our food, and got laughing so hard over the events of that game that Bria wet herself, and had to be excused.
Nah, just playing. But seriously though, Angely was tearing up she was laughing so hard. I also broke dear Angely's fingers while playing. It's a hazard of the game. You've got to know that I play for keeps- so if you aren't willing to have your hand smashed, get out of my way ;).
Angely tends to take my humor a little too far, I have discovered. It's no offense to me, I'm sure. Girls are fragile creatures. They tend to want everything gently, and sugar coated. I happen to be more straightforward and to the point when I am serious, and sarcastic outside of those lines. It is a very delicate balance. Angely tried to adjust some of what makes Bracken, Bracken tonight, and she lost in a very strange deliberation, I thought about it for a moment. It was kind of cutting. Things that I do, or say are just built into what I do. The situation comes out of a moment of laughter about something that had just occurred in our card game:
Me: "John, you are looking at me like I am a complete idiot, and though that's probably true, what did I just do?"
Angely: "Why are you always dissing yourself?"
Dissing myself? I don't even see that as a dis- it's a sarcastic detraction of what I'm trying to get at. I would hate for, heaven forbid, John to feel as though I just attacked him with my statement of "You are looking at me like I am a complete idiot." Perhaps his face is just permanently screwed up like that or something- I was trying to relieve any pressure that may exist. I always comment in such a way. The criticality of the statement hurt inside for a moment. I couldn't help but question myself. She questioned a few other things in the way I approached things. They weren't up to her expectations for me I believe.
Now before I go any further- this isn't at all, or in any way a fire at Angely- I like Angely, I was just set back because I don't realize, like many of us I think, how I sound to other people. Angely woke that sense a little, and I really thought about it. I'm glad I had the chance to think about it.
It is interesting to look at how people react to the way things are done. I understand that I handle situations in a way that is very different from others. I don't do it the same way as everyone else, because I prefer to do things the way that is comfortable, and easy for me to do, and not try to please everyone else. Pleasing everyone else got me in the anxietic and depressive situation I sometimes find myself in. I am just me. I like who I am. I don't know if you know this, but it took me a really long time to decide that. Even still, after having the decision, there are times where I still am not sure if I am a fan of who I am or not. It's something that I have had a really hard time with. I have had to be so many different things for so many different people, and have tried to please and to change everytime someone has had a beef with me. I suppose the one that was the most recent was the one that occurred on my mission. I could never just be me out there- I had to be this mold of what was wanted of me- and my competitive nature sometimes won't let me back down from something that is a challenge. I have made so much change in this department. I have worked so hard to be able to understand that I don't fit in everyone else's view of what I should be. It's been hard, but I am getting there. I am glad that people don't like me- that means that I stand up against what I don't want to be, and I am the person that I should be. You can't please everyone, and those that you do please, well, they are your closest friends.
Angely makes me smile. She is one who would do anything to help someone in need, but would never let you know it :). Like I said, it wasn't anything she did at all, and there wasn't any offense, it was just a needed thought process for me. How wonderful it is to have friends placed in your path that help you see a bigger picture. For a while now, I have been trying to figure out where and how I am supposed to fit in with the guys on my team. They are great guys, and I am very different in a lot of ways from all of them. I don't need to fit in, I just need to be me, and let them open up to let me be me inside the group. Angely making a protective comment to not "self-degrade" triggered a chain of thoughts that will continue to help me do what I need to do so that I am happy with who I am, and what I'm doing. Angely, I know you don't think anything of it, but thank you so much!
Tender Mercies
1) I just mentioned one, Angely saying what she said, and getting me to have that epiphany was so needed, and an answer to prayers. I just am so grateful.
2) This blog. I am so grateful to those of you who read, and motivate me to keep writing in it. It's been a success in my eyes so far. I didn't think I would have but 3 readers. It's first day I had 40 hits, averaging 5 minutes a visit. I just want to thank you who read it. This has been so good at helping me see the good in every day. Like I shadowed a little bit here, I struggle with depression. I had this idea to start this blog to help me see the good in every day. To share the good that I have in every day, because it helps me feel accomplished, and puts a smile on my face. I go about my day actively looking for stories I can tell here, and for funny pictures to take. It keeps me, throughout the day, at a different outlook than I have had before. I had one of my best friends, Ryan Rios tell me today that he reads the blog- I had no idea that he did. I have some people from Eden Prairie, MN reading the blog, I don't even know if I know anybody in Eden Prairie, I have a good friend in India who frequents my blog. It just has been so good for me. Today may have been rough, but having this, writing this, doing this has made such a difference in my disposition, especially looking for the Lord's Tender Mercies to me each day, that I am doing a lot better than I have been in a really long time. So from the bottom of my heart, all those of you who are readers. THANKS TO YOU! You have put a huge smile on my face. I am going to continue to beg that you hit the follow button, and become and official follower so I know who you all are. Comment on stuff. Say what you feel- be kind :P but say what you feel. If you are going to read, be involved, no reason to hide out in the shadows :P But seriously, thank you all! You have made my days!
A shoutout to Rios by the way, his birthday was today. Happy Birthday Ryan!
Bracken
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