Monday, November 21, 2011

Trust/My Shortcomings

The topic of trust has come up quite frequently in the past couple of days for me, and I thought that I would share some thoughts, and ramble a little while I'm thinking about it, mostly to calm me down, and also to get my thoughts somewhere where I can organize them.

Trust: 1 firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

Trust is such an abstract idea, that is hard to develop and use, I think. It's easy to believe someone, and it's easy to allow someone inside of certain areas of your life- but to develop a true bond of trust is so incredibly difficult, at least for me. To have a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of another person has often required proof of purchase for me. I'm not willing to give trust freely to be injured by that decision moments, days, or weeks later. It's almost impossible, in a sense, to win my trust unless something has been done to show me that one deserves such things.

The problem here is that maybe I'm the only one. Maybe I truly am a skeptic. I'm a person that can't see anything good, and only imagines the worst-case scenario of any given event. If I am the only one that does this, then I understand how ridiculous I sound right now. But it feels like these walls that have been built up over time to protect me, aren't going to come down without purpose, and without reason.

And then, there is a basketball team. Our BYUH basketball team. And one of the key components of any team is trust. Without trust, there is no such thing as team. You have to have a firm belief in the reliability of the four guys on the floor with you, or you can't accomplish anything great. And so for all the years that I've hidden behind my walls, and protection, through which few have ever reached- I know I'm supposed to drop all that for my teammates, and it's been an extremely difficult task. Trust is so important, and I need to get to the point where I have the utmost faith in my teammates, and I allow them to do what they do, and stop trying to micromanage.

I've started to notice recently, and my mother has pointed out that I'm an angry person. That I carry a lot of anger around with me, and that it sometimes rubs off on those I care about.

I have my demons. Life has been a lot more difficult as I grow into this new phase of existence. I can't help but feel alone, and pained at the simplest of things sometimes. My anger boils over simple things, and sometimes, it feels like it consumes me, and I don't know what to do, or where to put it. Sometimes I feel so alone on these things, like nobody cares or understands- that I'm just a wretch with no hope, and there is nothing I can do about it; and then I feel isolated, because nobody really understands what I'm going through-

And then I realize that I don't take time to realize what everyone else is going through. I'm so absorbed and fixated with trying to figure out what to do about my crap, and so consumed with being angry about it, and trying to prove some God-forsaken point that I lose sight of what's important, and I piss off those around me, and frustrate those that care, and become unsure of what course I am on.

It's a vicious cycle that I've been living, and it literally is murdering me from the inside. What am I supposed to do? How do I fix all of these things that ail me. Thank God I'm not dealing with cancer, or with some other ailment that would inhibit my life in ways that I just hope never happen to anyone- but how do I fix this mess... this rut that I'm in? I don't know. I have tried to figure it out for years. I've read every article I could get my hands on. I've tried switching locale, trying to read and attempt, exercises, mind games- you name it. And still, I sit here, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all of these insane emotions that pour through me, and give me no rest.

This is my battle. And I feel so underprepared, and  small when it comes to it. I can dawn my sword, and stand before the army of countless numbers, and I still feel, at the end of the day, that I have accomplished absolutely nothing sometimes.

I don't know what the next step is. I'm scared. It's been this way for so long, and I don't know whether I am going to continue falling into this horrid black abyss, or if randomly this light bulb will turn on above my head, and I'll just gather all of my strength, and defeat it. I want so badly to feel like a person again, not a walking emotional basket case. I want Bracken back.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Central Washington Game Thoughts

There are days where you look at yourself in the mirror, and you look at the way you contributed to whatever happened that day, and you want to spit at yourself and walk away. That's how I felt after the BYU game. I felt like I played selfishly, and didn't use the tools our team had to function. Maybe I'm wrong, but playing the position today, I have to be the guy the moves the team. It's always felt that way- the energy that I bring to the floor is contagious- and sometimes, as in the BYU game, it can be a hazard.

However, tonight was a different story, and we looked like a different team. The ball was shared well. I feel like looking at the way we played, we have a chance to do a lot of special things. Regardless of that, we failed in a couple of areas which led us to a one point defeat by Central Washington.

First off, I feel like our defensive rotation was absolutely pathetic on baseline drives. We would let the guards get to the baseline, and then when the bigs would step to help, it seemed like their guards would shoot, but our guards didn't switch off to their bigs, and we gave up a ton of boards, and they scored plentifully on second chance points, and that hurts when you are trying to protect the lead.

Secondly, I feel like we made poor decisions on offense. There was pressure, really good pressure in fact. The pressure was very intense, but it wasn't something that couldn't be handled. And, when we had the tiniest bit of pressure applied, all of us, including myself, would press the panic button, and toss the ball into an abyss of the wrong team's hands... And it cost us the game ultimately.

Thirdly, I feel like we are gelling as a team. We seem to have learned a lot from the BYU game, and it was extremely visible on the floor tonight. We looked like an actual team. The game was fun, and exciting, and I couldn't have asked for a better atmosphere. However, I do wish the results were different.

I'm back to where I was last season, struggling to put the 3 ball down. I don't know where that comes from because I feel like I am a good three point shooter. I guess that comes from having the confidence to rain 3's when I need to, and I don't know where that confidence fell to. But playing inside out is becoming a strength for us and me, so we'll keep hitting that until my 3's decide they would like to drop.

So, I suppose I'll continue trying to learn, and trying to play better. Life goes on. Big game tomorrow, and we've got to go get this one. We can't afford any more losses this year.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

BYU Loss and Other Things

Well. We lost tonight. It was a frustrating loss. Not because BYU isn't talented- because they are very talented. But because I don't feel that we as a team, or I as a player played to our potential. We came out of the gates with a 20-3 BYU run, and that just doesn't cut it when you play a team of that caliber. That's not how we operate either. I was baffled by how we came out in the first half. It was piss poor, and I think that in a lot of ways, I was to blame. I rushed shots, took a couple of bad shots, and then I failed to make necessary passes to other players at times that they were needed.

I shot 1/9 from the 3-point line, and that just is unacceptable a) because I shouldn't have kept shooting when it wasn't falling, and b) because I shoot better than that, and I shouldn't ever be less than 50%. Plus, overall I was 3/15 from the field, and that is only 50% from close range.. And I missed all 3 free throws. I'm just frustrated.

Anyways, I guess I learned a lot in this one. I feel like I understand a little bit better how performance needs to exist, and hopefully I will make the adjustments, and play well this Friday, Saturday, and following Monday.

That's it I guess. I don't know what else to say. Just wanted to vent frustration on the game. Offensively for me wasn't great. I did play fantastic D, though. Or I feel that I did, so at the very least, I have that to sleep to tonight.


Friday, November 4, 2011

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I Miss My Space Place

Anybody who knows me knows that I love the Christa McAuliffe Space Education Center with every fiber of my being. I have been here in Hawaii, and I have been loving it so very much. And then, something happens, where I get thinking about something from back home, and I instantly begin to feel like I am missing something in my life.

I've been at the center for something close to 10 years. It's always been my place to escape, to become something bigger than myself, to play, to work, to feel important. I don't know what it has such a way of doing that for me, but that is what the space center has done for me in my life. I remember when I was going through the hardest times in my life, that the space center was the place I wanted to be, because I never felt judged, I always felt welcome, and everyone there is so kind, and caring (for the most part). It literally is the greatest place on Earth.

So this is my ode to the space center. I long to have a mic in my hand, music and explosions in the background, the sound of phaser fire, and screaming children, and staff members telling me things I don't really care about. I miss the ability to be yelling at preciseness of video and tactical timing. I miss the ability to sit at Vic's desk, and talk about everything and the kitchen sink. I, Bracken Funk, miss the space center.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hawaiian Time

It seems like posting has become fewer and further between. Not that I don't have something to say, but more that time seems to go elsewhere. They call it Hawaiian time out here- I think it's just me procrastinating.

I'm sitting here in the Hale 4 lounge on campus with Lejana Ligeralde. We've been dating for 4 weeks now. It's been a great 4 weeks. I think that she is an incredible girl, and I love every minute we spend together. I'm quite happy with the situation :) Life is good.

She's beautiful!

Anyways. Moving right along. Basketball is going well. We scrimmaged the University of Hawaii on Saturday, and that went very well. I learned a lot, and I think the team played very well together given it was our first game. Just this week of practice, and then we have another half week of it, and then we have our Asia Pacific tournament, which will be an incredibly entertaining series for us, right before we hit up BYU at their house. That game I am excited for, I played horrid there last year, and I hope to be able to redeem myself.

We have such a great team. I don't know how much luckier I could be. I am so excited to play with these guys, and have a fantastic season. This team has so much potential, and our team is so much fun to be around. With guys like Jake Dastrup, Junior Ale, Jet Chang, Brady Hurst, Pablo Coro, Christian Covey, Zach Ngawaka, Sequan Lawrence, Gary Satterwhite, and N'kosi Stewart, we are going to have a great season! It's going to be great! Great! GREAT!

If you have time, check out that link above, it's super funny if a) you are or have been in college, and b) you have played pokemon in your lifetime :)

Alright, that's all I have for the update. Hopefully I will get another couple of posts out this week :)