Trust/My Shortcomings

The topic of trust has come up quite frequently in the past couple of days for me, and I thought that I would share some thoughts, and ramble a little while I'm thinking about it, mostly to calm me down, and also to get my thoughts somewhere where I can organize them.

Trust: 1 firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

Trust is such an abstract idea, that is hard to develop and use, I think. It's easy to believe someone, and it's easy to allow someone inside of certain areas of your life- but to develop a true bond of trust is so incredibly difficult, at least for me. To have a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of another person has often required proof of purchase for me. I'm not willing to give trust freely to be injured by that decision moments, days, or weeks later. It's almost impossible, in a sense, to win my trust unless something has been done to show me that one deserves such things.

The problem here is that maybe I'm the only one. Maybe I truly am a skeptic. I'm a person that can't see anything good, and only imagines the worst-case scenario of any given event. If I am the only one that does this, then I understand how ridiculous I sound right now. But it feels like these walls that have been built up over time to protect me, aren't going to come down without purpose, and without reason.

And then, there is a basketball team. Our BYUH basketball team. And one of the key components of any team is trust. Without trust, there is no such thing as team. You have to have a firm belief in the reliability of the four guys on the floor with you, or you can't accomplish anything great. And so for all the years that I've hidden behind my walls, and protection, through which few have ever reached- I know I'm supposed to drop all that for my teammates, and it's been an extremely difficult task. Trust is so important, and I need to get to the point where I have the utmost faith in my teammates, and I allow them to do what they do, and stop trying to micromanage.

I've started to notice recently, and my mother has pointed out that I'm an angry person. That I carry a lot of anger around with me, and that it sometimes rubs off on those I care about.




I have my demons. Life has been a lot more difficult as I grow into this new phase of existence. I can't help but feel alone, and pained at the simplest of things sometimes. My anger boils over simple things, and sometimes, it feels like it consumes me, and I don't know what to do, or where to put it. Sometimes I feel so alone on these things, like nobody cares or understands- that I'm just a wretch with no hope, and there is nothing I can do about it; and then I feel isolated, because nobody really understands what I'm going through-

And then I realize that I don't take time to realize what everyone else is going through. I'm so absorbed and fixated with trying to figure out what to do about my crap, and so consumed with being angry about it, and trying to prove some God-forsaken point that I lose sight of what's important, and I piss off those around me, and frustrate those that care, and become unsure of what course I am on.

It's a vicious cycle that I've been living, and it literally is murdering me from the inside. What am I supposed to do? How do I fix all of these things that ail me. Thank God I'm not dealing with cancer, or with some other ailment that would inhibit my life in ways that I just hope never happen to anyone- but how do I fix this mess... this rut that I'm in? I don't know. I have tried to figure it out for years. I've read every article I could get my hands on. I've tried switching locale, trying to read and attempt, exercises, mind games- you name it. And still, I sit here, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all of these insane emotions that pour through me, and give me no rest.

This is my battle. And I feel so underprepared, and  small when it comes to it. I can dawn my sword, and stand before the army of countless numbers, and I still feel, at the end of the day, that I have accomplished absolutely nothing sometimes.

I don't know what the next step is. I'm scared. It's been this way for so long, and I don't know whether I am going to continue falling into this horrid black abyss, or if randomly this light bulb will turn on above my head, and I'll just gather all of my strength, and defeat it. I want so badly to feel like a person again, not a walking emotional basket case. I want Bracken back.