Reflections

The events that have lead to a point often seem random, but as I have begun to take a look at them, I have discovered one thing. Random is not a word I would use to describe my life. Everything that has ever happened has happened for a reason. I don't know why, but I tend to get all sentimental and reflective when a life-changing moment is staring me in the face. Maybe it's my coping mechanism for when I know the change is coming, and I'm not sure what it will entail. Maybe it's just that I'm truly an emotional person, and as much as I try to hide it, all of the waves of change wash it to the forefront of my mind. Regardless, the reflections come and go with events, and they always seem poignant. This is my reflection on Lejana and I's meeting.

My story starts in 2008 when I left for my mission to Houston, Texas. I have told people this before, and I truly do believe, that when I opened that mission call, it felt wrong. That felt like it was absolutely and totally the wrong place. I didn't say anything. I gritted my teeth. I moved forward. But I was unhappy because I was going back to where I grew up, and I wanted to go somewhere that wouldn't be aggravating and frustrating. I had prepared my whole life to go on a mission, and this call was going to try my patience. But, like I'd been instructed from day 1, I tried to do as I was asked.

My mission was Hell. I have never been beaten and tortured as I was there. My mission president seemed to hate me. It felt like everything that went wrong was always my fault. My personality, which is a super type A, rubbed wrong with some of my companions, I was trapped in an apartment for a very long time. Everything that could have gone wrong was wrong. I felt like I was being punished by the leadership, and even the ward members in some of the areas were absolutely ridiculous. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, and everyone in the mission had abandoned me, I left. I came home. I had never felt more hopeless in my life, and had no more will to live. Coming home saved me.

Even then, I felt like the world was still beating down on me. I didn't have any support from my parents. They didn't understand. They didn't know what I was going through, or realize the intensity with which I was being struck with. The anxiety was unbearable, and I needed someone in my corner. Instead, they wanted to fix me, make me the way they thought was good. It just reiterated that I was broken, and I fell into a deep depression.

Fighting out of that hole was the hardest thing I have ever done. There were days when I didn't know how to function, or how I could function. The best description I have is that it felt like I was trapped in a whirlpool of complete blackness that would pull me closer and closer to the bottom every second, and there was literally no way to swim out. There were mornings when I would wake up, and the pain and the sorrow I felt wasn't just emotional, it was physical too. I would cry, but nobody knew. I would beg God for help, but it felt like those pleas couldn't penetrate that swirling blackness that was keeping me in.

Then, over time, people came to my help. Garyn showed up out of the blue to offer support and help. Doctor Johns was Garyn's idea, and he helped me learn and understand what I was going through. Knowledge truly is power, and it was a great help to me. Erin was someone who understood what I was going through, and offered insight and drive that I hadn't been able to muster prior to her involvement. My Grandma and Grandpa Funk were able to give me strength and comfort through their help- I stayed with them for a while, and learned a great deal from them, and how to solve problems that lie ahead. Erica, who now probably loathes the sound of my name, but she had a way of helping me look inward, and seeing my weaknesses that held me back, and helped me conquer a few of them, and left me to fend off the others- and also taught me that weakness can be a strength if you learn to harness it, and learn from it. Marc, who always stood beside me even when the rain clouds poured buckets of pain and frustration from the skies of hell, and always knows how to laugh at any situation. Glen Christensen, who has never once let me feel like I am a failure, but that I am someone important in the grand scheme of things, and that God has a purpose for me, and that these lessons will eventually lead me to some greater understanding of my purpose as a human here. Coach Lewis, who gave me confidence that there were still things to be done, and that many people cared- and that there was no way he would ever give up on me. Bria, who never gave up, but consistently tried to help me in the darkest of hours, when I had nothing more to give. Coach Cleve, who was so patient with me, and gave me opportunities that I doubt anyone else would have given me. And then finally, my parents, who came around and realized that there were ways to help.

All of these people made profound impacts in my life, and I aspire to have so many of their great qualities. And even though I am not all the way through this trial, these were God's army of angels sent to help me when I didn't know what else to do.

After all of this, when I actually finally was able to see clearly, and focus on something else other than trying to get out of the tunnel I was stuck in, I met Lejana. I admit that I wish I hadn't been dating her friend at the time, because of the aftermath it caused. This is not to say that I regret that, or that I was ashamed of it- I just wish the circumstance hadn't been so furious and bitter when Lejana and I hooked up. The first thing that I felt when I met Lejana was that she had an incredible ability to care. She wanted to help people, and was always looking for ways to serve. She also loves with tremendous ability- her heart is huge. That drew me to her, I wanted to know that I would be loved, and that I wouldn't end up being stabbed in the back by doubting that emotion, or allowing it to be influenced by another party. She didn't have that capability. She loved what she loved, and who she loved- and it was apparent.

After a while, I started noticing all of the qualities that I mentioned in the army of angels that I had sent to me existed in her. She was everything I could want in a best friend, in a girlfriend, and in a future wife. It didn't take me long to realize that I wanted to spend the rest of my forever with her.

Without the trials that extended from my mission, I doubt I would have made it to Hawaii to meet her, our paths would never have crossed. I wouldn't have been looking for the loyalty of love, or the compassion of a large heart, or many of the qualities that exist in Lejana. I fell in love with Lejana because it honestly felt like she could see through me, and do repair the injuries that were within me. I fell more in love with Lejana because it felt like I could do the same for her. Our personalities compliment each other. She loves what I love, and I love what she loves (except for chick flicks, and girly music... But I'm trying ;)). I love the way her hand feels in mine. I love that I honestly feel like we can do anything if we do it together. I love that I feel safe with her. I love that she treats me like a king. I love that my only goal is to make her happy. I love Lejana. I am oddly grateful for my trial that came from my mission, because it led me to the locations and the places in which I could realize the traits of human-kind that I wanted to have in my life. This week marks the most exciting week that I have ever had in my life, I'm marrying the most amazing woman I have ever met, and cannot wait to kneel across the alter from her, and promise her my whole being.

Trip, I love you. More every second, and I pray that it never stops. I know it won't, but prayers can't hurt!

--Brack